I believe there are a multiple reasons friends and family members don't get involved with domestic violence situations.  One that is high on my list is 'miseducation.'  Therefore I am going  to empower you to do what most victims can do for themselves, take action.  It doesn't have to be a big heroic or grand gesture, just enough to show you care about their well being. JL-Mo'Kha

 

How to help a friend or family member in an abusive relationship: 

Don’t be afraid to let him or her know that you are concerned for their safety. Help your friend or family member recognize the abuse. Tell him or her you see what is going on and that you want to help. Help them recognize that what is happening is not “normal” and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship.

Acknowledge that he or she is in a very difficult and scary situation. Let your friend or family member know that the abuse is not their fault. Reassure him or her that they are not alone and that there is help and support out there.

Be supportive. Listen to your friend or family member. Remember that it may be difficult for him or her to talk about the abuse. Let him or her know that you are available to help whenever they may need it. What they need most is someone who will believe and listen to them.

Be non-judgmental. Respect your friend or family member’s decisions. There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. He or she may leave and return to the relationship many times. Do not criticize his or her decisions or try to guilt them. He or she will need your support even more during those times.

Encourage him or her to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family.

If he or she ends the relationship, continue to be supportive of them. Even though the relationship was abusive, your friend or family member may still feel sad and lonely once it is over. He or she will need time to mourn the loss of the relationship and will especially need your support at that time.

Help him or her to develop a safety plan.

Encourage him or her to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Find a local domestic violence agency that provides counseling or support groups. Offer to go with him or her to talk to family and friends. If he or she has to go to the police, court or a lawyer, offer to go along for moral support.

Remember that you cannot “rescue” him or her. Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately the person getting hurt has to be the one to decide that they want to do something about it. It’s important for you to support him or her and help them find a way to safety and peace.

Please call the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 to discuss your concerns and questions.

 

Last year, the night before my 41^st birthday, I decided to do the big chop.  There in the stillness of my bathroom, I took my husband's clippers and with a #2 guard, I shaved off my hair.  All but a tuft a hair in the front so I could attach my quick weave and look fabulous for my party. I had been so stressed out the previous year that my hair was shedding like crazy.  Our finances were getting tight and I guess my ability to apply relaxer without overlapping had dwindled a bit so there was also breakage. I lit some Nag Champa, played India Arie’s “Beautiful” and made a little ceremony of it.  I released all the old anguish, disappointments, ill will and regrets.  As black cotton balled puffs fell silently on the floor, my emotional load seemed lighter.  I looked past the alfalfa-esque sprouts and admired the new me.

 

 It has grown quite a bit since then and it is certainly much healthier, but I find myself in a strange place.  After all my proclamations about loving these feisty kinky spirals on top of my head, I am not comfortable in my natural- hair skin.  I sometimes feel self-conscious when I rock my thick sculpted fro’ in public.  My husband’s aversion to my “new do” doesn’t help.  I find myself battling with the urge to reach for the Olive relaxer kit and get my Iman supermodel look back.  I reason with myself by saying, “it’s just hair and you can cut it off and start over again.” A mantra I’ve often sung over the years.  This time though, something just won’t let that small voice nagging at me win. 

I often go to YouTube and look at several natural hair videos for that extra incentive and to reaffirm my reasons for going this route in the first place. You may be asking, “What was the catalyst?”  It was a video suggesting that black women only felt beautiful when they conformed to the European ideology about beauty and that any man with these weave wearin’ relaxed haired vixens had issues with his identity as well.  Naturally, (pun intended,) I strongly disagreed.  I mean what does my hairstyle have to do with how I feel about the skin I’m in?  I’ve yet to meet a woman of any race, nationality or ethnicity that hasn’t got a complaint about their hair, among other things, but I wondered if I could actually look at myself and see in me, what I saw in others. 

 I have often admired the tresses of my Au natural sisters.  I take great pride in my husband’s locks and feel pleased when they are admired. And I love being a strong beautiful cocoa colored woman.  I’ve come to a conclusion; I just hate “MY” hair.  Not my skin or the African origin that enables my springs to retract.  I suppose if I looked beyond the surface it may also have to do with coming to terms with my water- colored childhood and embracing the “little girl” I’ve been ignoring for quite sometime.  Whatever the reasons may be, I’ve decided I’m not giving up on the Afro-centric image reflecting back at me just yet.

 

 

I remember my mother telling me how unique we all are. Just as no two snowflakes are alike, God instills special gifts inside all of us. Along with many creative talents, I have an unbelievable gift of hope. No matter how many atrocities I've personally witnessed, heard of and have lived through, I still hold faith and hope in my heart. I have hope that one day mankind will finally get it right. I have hope for this country and faith that one man can lead many to make great changes. I have belief, hope and faith in love; selfless, sacrificing, kind, patient, love. I believe that it can conquer all, that it is more powerful than hate and if given enough time it will run its course and become victorious. I don't profess to have all the answers, and I certainly can't speak for every survivor of domestic violence, but I can tell you why I stayed.

 

 

 I am the eldest of two children. For nine years I was an only child, and although I loved every minute of it, I liked being a big sister more. My childhood was bittersweet. Being the eldest in a single parent home left me with a lot of responsibilities. Some memories have faded and there are others I wish I could forget, but the values, perseverance and pride that was instilled in me earlier in life, helped mold me into the woman I am today. I have learned to appreciate my past.

I come from a long line of strong independent women, survivors. My grandmother, presently 91, has out lived all three of her husbands.She went from helping her mother in the fields, (Yes black folks picked cotton long after slavery was abolished!) to cleaning houses for white people, to working in a hospital. She raised 7 children, 6 boys and one girl; my mother.  

Mommy was sent to Chicago at 19 to have me because she was an unwed mother to be. She raised my sister and I by herself. She had a little help every now and then like most single mothers, but for the most part, it was just us. I don't think either of us turned out too badly. We have stumbled along the way and carry with us multiple battle scars, but the two of us are strong, independent women, building a legacy and passing family traditions to our children.

 

 

 

 

 

Contrary to what most women believe about battered women, it was my strength that usually rubbed most men the wrong way, at least that's the way I perceived it. These men didn’t have issue with why dinner wasn’t ready, or because I was clumsy and spilled things, or because my appearance was disgusting to them, I just never knew when to shut up. You mix that in with know-it- all tendencies and you have the makings for a beat down.There were many attempts made by different men to break me of this inherited characteristic and I'll admit I have been parallel to the ground just as many times, but I never stayed there.

  I'd always been good with discretion, so not even my closest friend at the time knew the hell I was going through in the last relationship. (I would find out later that she was equally clever with deception)  All the incidents in previous relationships were minor in comparison to the last lover of mine. Self professed soul-mates, we always played the role.   Whenever the world saw us we epitomized true love.There wasn't a couple more perfect for one another than us. At least that’s what it looked like to the people who were not part of our inner circle, but soon the cracks underneath surfaced and became visible for everyone to see.

 

In all my years of sharing my personal dynamic with my closest and most trusted friends, never once did they ask me why I stayed. I don't know if they just loved me too much and didn't want to make me feel worse than I did, or if secretly they had their own ideas. Which ever the case, I'm sure the question was skulking somewhere in their minds. It was certainly lingering around in mine.

 

Every year around my birthday, I read my journals, every single one of them. (It takes me about a week ) Each time I find out something new about myself, my past, present and who I hope to become. When I'd get to the journals that reflected the period of my life when I was in that abusive relationship, one theme kept resounding; "What was wrong with you, why didn't you leave him?" Each time I read one of the journals, that question would be scribbled there in some manner. Previously I'd never attempted to answer the question, it was just written rhetorically.

One day while having a conversation with a good friend about a comment another friend made, I had the answer. Before that moment of revelation, I shared the same sentiment of most women who aren't familiar with this face of violence.   I wasn't stupid, weak or afraid. I wasn't keeping my piece of man for fear of not finding another one, nor was I too terrified to leave. And though low self esteem, depression and alcoholism played a big part, hope made me stay. I was a damsel in distress waiting for the man that I fell in love with to return and save me from this fairytale gone afoul. I prayed endlessly for the pod that just had to be living inside of my mate to leave its host and return my drained, confused, and amnesiac lover back to me. What I didn't know was, this wasn't going to happen. I had to remove the yellow ribbon from my heart and move the hell on or risk being killed. In the past that seemed like an exaggeration to me, but I've learned a lot of things in 10 years and one of them is how blessed I truly am.  

 

 

 

It's is hard to believe another year has gone by so fast.  It seems like just a few months ago I was putting together last years video for domestic violence awareness month.  I am doing my best to stay committed to this cause no matter how uncomfortable it becomes.  It is a difficult topic for me to address but I feel it is one of the more important ones.  Especially since I know this face of violence so well.

In the weeks to come I will be posting stories, videos, poems and testimony from survivors and the loved ones of those who weren't so blessed. In my heart I hope that anyone who comes across my contribution will take a serious look at this issue and take their own individual step toward change.  Even if it's just  a small change in the way you once viewed women in abusive relationships.  I'm also asking you to help be by uniting your voice with mine in speaking out against domestic & sexual abuse.

 

At the end of the month I will post my contribution on the site.  In the meantime please review last year's video and pass the link to those you know. The person on the receiving end, may be exactly who the video was intended to impact. 

 

 

Peace, Love & Flow

~Mo'Kha

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

I have to confess that last year, I didn't quite live up to my title of a "serial writer", at least when it came to blogging.  I've made a promise to myself to write at least once a week in 2008.

Last year, I spread myself a bit thin by juggling too many sites.  In 2008, mokhabreeze will be my main focus.  It felt like I would be abandoning my "myspace" readers, so I decided I would still post there as well, for a short period of time.  Eventually, you'll have to come here for everything. (Maybe, I'm so addicted to my "friends"!)

 

If I stay true to the promises I've made to myself, the new year will be a year of growth for me as a writer.  I'm very excited about my upcoming endeavors.  I will also be  performing more of my  poetry this year, not so much around Vegas or other cities as right here on mokhabreeze tv.  I've decided to post a V-blog as well.  When I'm not writing, you can experience my art with your other senses.  (Although, I like to think you use them with my writing too!)

 

This one is short and sweet since I still have to write the newsletter.  If you haven't signed up, please join me.

 

peace. love. & flow.

JL-Mo'Kha